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"The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are." - Joseph Campbell
For a large part of my life, I looked for validation from others as a way to determine my happiness and well-being.
I would actively go out of my way to make others feel better about themselves, even at the expense of my own well-being.
When someone needed something that actually made my life more difficult or made it so I missed more important things, I did it.
When I would get insulted or became the person in the group no one respected, I let it happen and accepted it.
All because I wanted to be cared about and loved by others.
It got to a point where I was wearing too many masks trying to please others that it overwhelmed me.
My self-esteem was non-existent: I didn't know what I was figuratively fighting for.
I didn't know what I was living for.
Many of us are attached to other people's opinions, and it's keeping you trapped in a life you hate.
You change your personality to accommodate someone in the room with you.
You sit in silence when you should be speaking up for yourself or someone else… all because you're terrified of judgment.
And for what?
I spent years wasted my time in this prison, and it made me so depressed that I had thoughts of ending it all.
All because I thought that being a part of the crowd would make them like me more.
Quite the opposite.
Constantly looking for validation from others will make them respect you less, and you lose your sense of individuality in doing so.
When I decided to step away from this, I realized something: true happiness never came from being liked by everyone.
It came from independence: the courage to live your life by your own values, regardless of who approves or doesn't.
This isn't about being a dick or not caring about others.
It's about breaking free from the exhausting masks you wear trying to be everything to everyone.
Studies show that chronic approval-seeking behavior is linked to higher rates of depression and anxiety.
It's literally making your life worse.
But there's a way out.
By the end of this post, you'll have a blueprint I've used for myself to break free from this and build a life you deserve.
You'll discover why your brain is wired to seek approval (and how to rewire it), the surprising connection between discomfort and independence, and a practical 90-day system to transform from people-pleaser to self-directed.
The person you're pretending to be is drowning out the person you're meant to become.
Let's change that.
"Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner." - Unknown
Most people think confidence comes from external achievements and recognition.
Get the promotion, and you'll feel worthy.
Hit 10K followers, and you'll be important.
Become a millionaire, and you'll be happy.
These are the greatest lies we tell ourselves.
Every time you tie your self-worth to external validation, you create a dependency loop.
You need bigger achievements, more followers, more money.
The bar keeps rising, but the emptiness never fills.
Here's the truth: Your brain is running ancient software in a modern world.
For 99% of human history, tribal approval meant survival.
Get kicked out of the tribe, you died.
Your ancestors who craved acceptance lived long enough to pass on their genes.
The ones who didn't care?
They didn't make it.
But we no longer have to live in tribes anymore.
That same survival instinct that kept your ancestors alive is now keeping you small.
Your brain screams "danger!" when someone unfollows you or doesn't like you.
It floods you with anxiety when you consider disagreeing with your friend group.
It makes you contort yourself into whatever shape gets the most approval.
This is evolutionary mismatch: biological traits that once aided survival now sabotage your success.
Think about how you live:
Avoiding conflict even when your boundaries are crossed.
Changing your opinions based on who you're talking to.
Feeling physically sick when someone criticizes you.
Checking your phone 96 times a day for validation hits when you post something.
This does not make you weak.
We are just running on some old-school programming.
When I started my journey with exercise, the people I would seek validation from didn't like that.
They preferred me agreeing with them every step of the way, and accepting what they said about me as fact, even if it was disrespectful or insulting.
These same people told me I wouldn't achieve my goals no matter how I tried.
That I would be overweight forever, that I wouldn't be able to get in great shape.
I didn't continue exercising primarily out of spite to prove them wrong (though it did feel good to achieve it ;)).
I did it because it made me feel happier.
It made me feel in control of my life for once.
It made me realize that it aligned with my values, underneath the masks I would constantly wear to please others.
I actually had real values and beliefs, not values or beliefs others threw upon me.
Their opinions, good or bad, weren't my concern.
And I realized something: their feelings about my choices are their task to handle, not mine.
This sentence has been with me since then.
Here's the thing: we've been taught that considering others' feelings makes us good people.
But there's a MASSIVE difference between real empathy and having to accommodate your world to others' emotions or views.
When you make decisions based on avoiding others' disappointment:
You never discover what you actually want.
You attract people who use your need for approval against you.
You build a life that looks good but feels empty.
You teach others that your boundaries don't matter.
You actually attract people who are disingenuous and manipulative, with some possibly carrying dark triad traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy).
Those people whose approval you're killing yourself to win?
They respect those who don't need it.
Think about who you respect, even if it's someone whose values don't align with yours at all.
It's not the person desperately trying to impress you.
It's the one quietly doing their thing, unbothered by whether you notice.
When you stop needing validation, you paradoxically become more valuable to others.
Because independence is magnetic.
Authenticity is attractive.
People trust those who trust themselves.
This is where the independence blueprint comes in: a system based on Adlerian psychology and strategic discomfort that fights against your validation-seeking patterns.
The core principle?
Task Ownership.
You are not responsible for other people's feelings.
You are responsible for your own behavior.
Every situation in our lives involves tasks, or things that we need to handle.
The key is knowing which tasks are yours and which belong to others:
Your task: Making decisions aligned with your values.
Their task: Managing their feelings about your decisions.
Your task: Setting healthy boundaries.
Their task: Respecting them or revealing themselves as someone to distance from.
Your task: Pursuing your goals.
Their task: Dealing with their judgments about your goals.
When you try to manage others' tasks, from their emotions or their opinions, you abandon your own tasks.
You become a puppet dancing to everyone else's strings.
But when you focus solely on your tasks while letting others handle theirs?
Freedom.
You stop exhausting yourself trying to control the uncontrollable.
You stop shapeshifting to avoid conflict.
You stop living in fear of judgment.
Instead, you build what I call "antifragile confidence": self-worth that gets stronger under pressure instead of crumbling.
Again this is not about becoming selfish or not caring about others - in fact, being selfless and helping others has its merits and provides value to the world.
However, you need to recognize that you can't genuinely care for others when you're entrapped by their opinions.
A people-pleaser isn't actually pleasing anyone: they're acting in a role they thing others want to see.
When you escape seeking validation, you can finally offer something real: your authentic self, your genuine gifts, your honest care… not the watered-down version you think others will approve of.
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Friedrich Nietzsche
Most self-help advice tells you to "just be confident" without giving you the actual steps to rewire years of validation-seeking patterns.
What helped me was a few of the following:
Building up my self-esteem.
Setting goals for myself to achieve.
Being more assertive, and learning when to say no or setting boundaries.
From this, you can understand the following in this 90-day transformation: independence is built through progressive challenges that prove you can trust yourself.
Let's dive into this.
You can't escape a prison you don't know you're in.
Before any transformation journey, you need complete clarity on how people-pleasing shows up in your life.
This is not about judging yourself.
It's about building awareness for when it happens, and approaching things differently when it does.
For the next 7 days, track every validation-seeking behavior:
When you change your opinion to avoid conflict
How often you apologize unnecessarily
When you delay decisions waiting for others' input
How frequently you seek reassurance for choices you've already made
Document without trying to change anything yet if you don't want to.
Just observe your actions, reflect, and write them down.
Whenever I start taking note of when I people-please, it's typically when someone asks me for a favor that I cannot possibly do without adding some sort of stress or conflict to my life.
After 7 days, identify your top 3 validation dependencies.
These are your primary targets for transformation.
Common ones include:
Saying "yes" to something that adds stress to your life or routine.
Agreeing with someone to avoid tension.
Over-explaining your decisions.
Fishing for compliments.
Pick your top 3.
Write them down.
These are your liberation points.
What has helped me a lot is typically asking myself the following about a "task": is the outcome of the task within my control?
Am I directly affected by the outcome of the task?
If I answer "yes" to both, then it's a task that I do.
If not, it is someone else's task.
More on this with the second step.
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Viktor Frankl
Every day, you'll probably encounter at least 3 situations where you're tempted to take on others' tasks.
Your job is to identify them and practice separation.
The question framework (as mentioned previously):
"Is the outcome of this task in my control?"
"Am I directly affected by the outcome?"
If you answer "no" to either, it's not your task.
Examples:
Your mom's disappointment about your career choice? Her task.
Your friend's anger that you can't hang out? Their task.
Your coworker's frustration with your boundaries? Their task.
Practice phrases for task separation:
"I understand you're upset, and that's valid."
"You're free to feel however you need to feel."
"That sounds like something you need to work through."
It might upset them a bit that you said "no" for once.
Here's something I've realized though: when you stop taking responsibility for others' emotions, they start taking responsibility for themselves.
Your relationships actually improve because they become honest instead of codependent.
People will actually respect your time and you more because of it.
Independence is built through progressive resistance training for your nervous system.
Just like you wouldn't bench press 300 pounds on day one, you don't start by giving a controversial speech. You build tolerance systematically.
Create your personal Discomfort Ladder:
Micro-challenges (Week 1-2):
Share one genuine opinion in a group conversation
Say "no" to one small request without explaining why.
Respond to non-urgent texts hours later if you can.
Medium challenges (Week 3-6):
Set a boundary with someone who usually steamrolls you.
Make a decision without asking anyone's input.
Leave a group chat that drains your energy.
Major challenges (Week 7-12):
Have a difficult conversation you've been avoiding.
Stand firm when someone tries to guilt-trip you.
Choose your values over others' comfort.
Each completed challenge is evidence that you can survive without validation.
Your brain will build up with each rep.
The key?
Start small.
Build up.
Transformation occurs.
Consumption keeps you trapped in comparison.
Creation sets you free.
For 30 days, implement the Creation Switch:
Before you consume (scroll, watch, browse), create first.
Write something, or journal.
Build something tangible.
Work on a skill.
Design, code, draw, compose: anything that adds instead of takes.
Don't share any of it for the first 30 days.
Hell, don't share it at all if you'd like to keep it to yourself.
This breaks the creation-validation loop: you're creating for the joy of creation, not for the dopamine of others' reactions.
What happens:
You discover what you actually enjoy.
You build intrinsic motivation.
You develop skills without performance anxiety.
You prove you can generate value without external validation.
After 30 days, share it with others if you want.
But by then, the need for validation will have loosened its grip.
This is your final step: making one major decision based solely on your values, regardless of others' opinions.
This could be:
Changing careers despite family pressure.
Moving cities against friends' advice.
Starting a business others call risky.
Pursuing a passion others see as impractical.
This test is NOT about being contrarian.
This is about choosing based on YOUR internal compass rather than the external pressure around you.
Think about why this decision aligns with your values.
Think about what disapproval you will anticipate (and from whom).
Think about how you'll handle their reactions.
And finally, think about what you'll gain by choosing to be your authentic self.
Then, just do it.
And here's what you'll discover: The disapproval you feared?
Most of it never materializes.
The few who do judge you?
They reveal themselves as people whose opinions never mattered anyway.
But more importantly, you'll experience something profound:
The unshakeable confidence that comes from keeping promises to yourself.
And this begins the start of something special: a life on the path of fulfillment, of happiness.
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Building independence is not about caring what others around you think.
It's about caring more about what you think, or revealing to yourself what you actually care about.
It's about finding what brings you unlimited energy.
It's about building a life where your sense of worth comes from within, not from other's opinions.
You weren't born to be liked by anyone.
In fact, this is impossible.
You were born to be yourself.
Your true authentic self.
The world does not need more people-pleasers who chase validation of others to the point they're deep into depression or worse.
The world needs what you have to offer when you stop filtering yourself through others' expectations.
And know this: your independence isn't just for you.
It will be for everyone who will benefit from the real you showing up.
The protocol is simple.
The courage to implement it?
That's on you.
But I promise you this: 90 days from now, you will feel good having taken on this challenge.
And your life may change for the better.
Get after it.
What if I told you there's a way to get in great shape while still eating pizza on Friday nights?
That you could build your dream physique without giving up snacks, dinner dates, or your sanity?
That secret is understanding the 80/20 rule of nutrition: a system that helped me lose 40 pounds of body fat with over the course of 5 months while eating what I wanted.
Your future self is calling.
Are you ready to pick up the pen?
